First is the Worst, Second is the Best?

Twelve weeks and 3 days people, meaning just a week and a half until I enter my second trimester, this mysterious, yet seemingly wonderful land where people promise I’ll start to feel more like myself again. Let me state for the record that if I am one of those gals who doesn’t fit into the category of “most women” and the nausea doesn’t subside soon, I may lose my mind.

The last week has been rough; my appetite was completely non-existent and the little food I could eat didn't always remain with me. This was evident in our 12 week appointment yesterday when I stepped on the scale and saw I’d lost 5 pounds in 3 weeks, equaling a total of 7 for the pregnancy so far. Unfortunately, J was standing right there when the nurse called out my weight. That is a truth I have tried to shield him from for a while. Sigh. It led to an awesome conversation while waiting for the doctor about how much I should aim on losing after the baby.

J was also present for his first breast exam. J: “Why was she massaging your boobs?” Me: “Um…she wasn't massaging exactly, she was feeling for lumps.” J: “Oh. Looked like massaging to me.” After just a couple of brief experiences in the OB/GYN world, I know J can concretely say he is happy to be a man.

We also had the ultrasound screening for Down Syndrome. This was cool because we got another look at our little guy/girl, who had a little hand raised up! So strange to see a tiny human forming and know it was inside me. We also got to hear the heartbeat J. The technician did some measurements, which all looked good but we have to wait to get the results back from this week and 16-week bloodwork to have a more accurate picture of whether the baby is at risk. Keep those prayers coming!

I am still convinced our tiny human is a girl, so you may find me referring to it as her or she. Of course, I won’t care either way but it’s just a feeling I have. We will find out toward the end of June, which seems like far away even though it’s only about 8 weeks. I already feel like I have been pregnant forever and am excited to start showing a little bit and start taking advantage of cute maternity wear.

My request this week is for you to please, please send good vibes my way that I truly start feeling better soon. I want to begin enjoying this pregnancy!

Surprise!

The day I took the pregnancy test, I was strangely calm. I had not experienced any early signs of pregnancy other than being just a couple of days late, which was not an anomaly for me. In the past, I had taken tests three or four days prior to getting my period, having convinced myself that the fatigue or slight nausea I felt were sure indicators. But not this time. In fact, I very patiently waited for my husband to come home from his business trip at 10 p.m. that night to take the test. I didn’t waste too much time once he stepped foot in the door, but that was mainly because I really had to pee.

I fully expected the little window to read “NOT PREGNANT”, like the times before so when I only saw one of those words (the important one), it took my breath away for just a moment … but only a moment before I rushed into the bedroom with an OMG, showing J the test. His reaction was a little anticlimactic, a very casual, “That’s good,” as he went along unpacking his bag. I even had to ask him to stop and give me a hug! Hey, we all handle stuff in our own way. My way was being unable to sleep that night.

Since that surprise, there have surely been a few more. Most of them have been centered on how crummy I have felt. A lazy person by nature, my energy level has dipped deep into negative territory. I’m exhausted all day and then sleep poorly at night, a trend that has led me to taking naps in my car during lunch on more than one occasion. Weekends are mostly spent in bed, and not in that fun, sexy way. They consist of me snoring the day away, trying to catch up from the week while J does the laundry so it doesn't pile up to the height of Mt. Everest.  God love him.

The biggie is the nausea and overall poor relationship with food. I haven’t spent the entire trimester over the toilet, but certainly feeling the need to have a trash can near me just in case. And while I definitely get hungry, the moment the food is in front of me (no matter what it is), I find it difficult to take more than a few bites. At our 9-week appointment, I had lost a couple of pounds. Our 12-week visit is next week and I won’t be surprised if I have lost a couple more. My inherent sweet tooth has taken a leave of absence and salty foods (as well as anything icy, like frozen lemonade or an Icee) are easiest for me to stomach.

Another surprise: Being overwhelmed rather than thrilled by all the baby stuff we’ll need. I have looked through catalogs and walked through aisles at Babies R Us and rather than a sense of excitement, like I thought I would feel, I have quickly deemed it too early or too exhausting to seriously think about. I’m really hoping that will change as I start to feel a bit better.

I know we’re in for a lot more surprises, during the pregnancy and certainly as parents, but right now, the furthest thought I can deal with is how long I have to wait until I can crawl back into bed.

For the love of ...

Savannah.

This past weekend we went camping with our friends Bryan and Erica. We specifically chose a site right on Lake Allatoona so our doggies could play in the water. So, Saturday morning after breakfast J and I took Savannah down to the shore. She happily ran in and out of the lake for a few minutes as we worked our way around the little cove. Puppy bliss!

The lake is low so the shore was made up of the rocky, muddy lake bottom. As Savannah ran out of the lake she let out a pitiful yelp and kind of hopped back into the water. She immediately came out and over to me and Jarrett, holding up her back right paw. We thought she just stepped on a sharp rock or something but she wouldn’t put her paw back down. We decided playtime was over, J picked up the wet pup and carried her back to the site.

We examined her paw and leg and didn’t see any visible damage like a cut or something stuck but she was definitely in pain and refusing to use that paw. We held and/or carried her around the campsite the remainder of the day – propping her up on a cot in the tent to rest for most of it. She was sad and snuggly. We were concerned and did our best to keep her immobile. Sad puppy = sad puppy parents.

Sunday morning came and there was no improvement. We headed home from camping and kept her on bed rest for the day but at this point we knew we’d be heading to the vet on Monday.

J was at the vet first thing Monday without an appointment but the doctor saw him. He called me at work and informed me that while she had not broken her ankle or toe (some of our theories), she had completely torn the cruciate ligament in her knee (ACL on a human, CCL on a dog). The vet said we could try and manage it with rest and let scar tissue form on our own or get the $2600 surgery. Oy.

Over the last few days, we have gone back and forth over what to do. Of course, we want what is best for Savannah, but we have some financial considerations as well. If you know me, you know I was all over the internet gathering research. We read success stories for both methods, but the more I read, the more I was convinced she needed the surgery. All the evidence for a dog her size with a complete tear pointed that way. I spoke to a coworker whose dog had the same thing and he gave me the name of the hospital they used and liked.

We have a consultation with the doctor on Tuesday. We know he’ll recommend the surgery (which turns out to be more like $3800 if you include all the follow-ups, etc.). J remains a bit cynical that vets always suggest surgery because that’s how they get paid. I see his point, but I read articles from vets and owners alike that pretty much said this was our best choice. I’ll have a ton of questions because I have also read about all the possible complications.

Luckily, the hospital takes a special credit card that you can apply for to help pay for things like this. We were approved for a big chunk of the cost, which we can pay off without interest for up to 24 months. Still, it’s one of those unforeseen expenses that makes you cringe. But we love our Savannah and want her to be healthy and happy.

The recovery won’t be any fun either – about 12 weeks total – with the first few requiring very little movement on her part and definitely no stairs. Um, have you seen our house? THREE LEVELS! So far J has been carrying her up and down. I tried once and well, we took a tumble. Not sure what we’ll do when he has to travel for work in a couple of weeks. Anyone want to take in me and my injured pup for a few days? Now accepting applications.  :)

Not tonight, dear

I haven’t posted on our baby-making quest lately so I thought I would provide an update on how it’s going. Basically, it’s not, at least for the time being. While the doctor gave us an all clear to try on our own during the time we’re working to get my insulin numbers down, it just hasn’t worked out that way.

As expected, there is a certain level of stress that comes with feeling like you have to do the deed on prescribed days and times. While we both know there are certain things that need to happen in order to conceive, the timing has just been … off. For the past two months I've either been sick to my stomach, cranky, bloated and/or J has been exhausted, traveling or injured and we would both rather stick hot pokers into our eyes than force intimacy. It’s a mutual feeling of frustration because ideally we want to conceive child under sweet, loving circumstances and not just getting the job done. I know we are not alone in this struggle  but it's annoying nonetheless.

So, August and September were duds and there is no one to blame but ourselves. On the bright side, I continue to lose weight (well, depending on the week!) and spend time at the gym. The diet is still the hardest part and I have not been as faithful to the right foods as I should be. Prime example: J having to physically take away the biscuit I nibbled on at Cracker Barrel AFTER I defiantly ordered both the grits AND the hash brown casserole despite him alerting me to how many carbs I was ingesting at one sitting. I justified it to myself as a reward for biking for 45 minutes earlier that morning, but I know that doesn’t stop those delicious starches from becoming evil sugars. I would live on carbs if I had the chance – how sad is it they are my number one enemy? It makes me want to cry.

All that being said, we’ll see what October holds in store!

Big Time

I have been slightly giddy since about 3 p.m. yesterday when I learned that an article I had written was picked up by The Huffington Post. For a writer trying to build freelance credibility, showing up on a national forum like this is a pretty big deal. Here’s a little background:

I recently got in touch with a former coworker who is the managing editor for a new young, professional women’s website, The Daily Muse. They were soliciting articles and since I don’t have the opportunity to write much in my actual job, getting to flex my skills is something I welcome.

The first piece I pitched was on something I know all too well: lessons from being a job hopper. As most of you know, I’ve had more than my fair share of jobs over the years. Yes, the reasons may be valid, but I’m not unaware of how it comes off to hiring managers. However, I also think it’s not as bad as it would have been even 10 years ago. Plus, I have learned a lot and I figured there were others out there, especially young women just starting off in their careers, who could benefit from what I now know.

The article was posted on The Daily Muse site Wednesday, which was enough for me! But then yesterday I was informed by the editor that it was also posted on Huffington Post. The site also has a partnership Forbes and Business Insider. The Daily Muse sends them their articles and some get selected for syndication. Hooray! I’m not holding my breath, but if it were to show up on Forbes, I would die.

I’m already working on my next article for The Daily Muse and I’m excited to have an outlet to do what I love. If I can gain some additional exposure and help build my portfolio, then perhaps my dream of being an actual freelance writer isn’t as far off as it seems!

Just not feeling it

I’m having an off week. Even though I can see and feel results from the medication, diet and exercise, my motivation is really low right now. After a kick-ass weekend of multiple work outs, I have since wilted. I’m blaming it on a few things:

1.    The ridiculously large and painful blister on the back of my heel that bloodied my sock during cardio on Sunday. Ew and ouch.
2.    P.M.S. (The periods are to help emphasize how strongly I am feeling this).
3.    Overall sense of fatigue and low morale.
4.    Lingering sense of grief that I can't shake.

I’m pretty sure #3 is directly related to #2 and that it will all fade in a few days. I went to the gym on Tuesday as scheduled, but only did about 20 minutes of half-assed cardio because I was both tired and my blister was super sensitive. I have an appointment with my trainer tonight and although I’m going to go, I have a feeling it will be another low-effort session, or at least as low-effort as he’ll let it.

As for the diet … fail. I have had two TINY pieces of cake this week (thanks a lot, coworkers!) and additional other carbs I should avoid. I have also had two whole sodas. That is as “bad” as I have been since I started. Again, blaming the PMS. I HAD to have McDonald’s French fries last night instead of turkey tacos on wheat tortillas. It was imperative. J doesn’t fall for this “excuse” but until he knows what it feels like, I will continue to ignore his comments pertaining to this matter.

I don’t want to reverse any of the progress I have made so I’m hoping that I can get back on track in the next day or so. Actually, it will probably have to wait until Sunday. Saturday is football and that equals beer. It’s just a fact. BUT … I probably won’t do the spin class and two-mile walk before indulging like I did last week.

I know most of you don’t answer when I try to start a discussion but I’ll try again anyway. I am nothing if not persistent: When you lose your motivation, what helps you push through or do you give in for a bit and then just get ramped up again?

Heavy heart

So here’s my latest thought on parenthood: While I know there are so very many wonderful things that having children brings into your life, there can also be great sadness. I was reminded of this grim fact last week when I received the news that the 12-year-old son of my friend was a victim in the flooding in Northern Virginia.

My friend is actually my 10th grade English teacher, who I adored. We’ve kept in touch some over the years and I am an avid reader of her blog, An Inch of Gray. I never met her son, but felt somehow connected to him and the rest of her family through her posts. Regardless, I was filled with such deep sadness upon hearing of their loss. In fact, it’s all I have been able to think about and I can't even pinpoint why it has affected me so greatly.

My heart has been heavy with grief and my head lost in thought. Those thoughts range from wondering how the family begins to cope with this tragedy to how scared he must have been when he first got caught in the flood. I then turn to thoughts about how having a child is voluntarily setting yourself for potential loss and it frightens me a little. I know that’s not how you should think, but in light of what has happened, I can’t help it.

It won’t stop us from our quest to become parents, but it does make me pause for a moment and remember that all life is truly a gift and we must be grateful for every day we spend with those we love.

My thoughts continue to go out to the family as they start to put the pieces back together.